Exhaustion

    For the past several months I have been stressing, worrying, and hoping about every day things and my future. Then things worked out with school and I was so relieved and thankful. I also realized that I needed to give all my worries, hopes, and dreams over to God. So I did. I gave Him my finances, I gave Him my future, I gave Him my job (or lack there of actually), I gave Him my marriage, and I gave Him my daughters. I knew that I needed to completely trust Him. But it is strange, with nothing to worry about... I feel empty. I think that is why I always fall into worrying or dwelling on the future, because it keeps my mind off of painful things. So when I gave it all to God, I started feeling the ache and emptiness again. I no longer worried about my future, but neither am I excited about it. When I think about my future I look at it with a small part of my heart... where as the rest is looking into my past. I know that I need to not dwell on the past. So I have started just trying to live day to day. But, when that day is over I feel as if I have accomplished nothing and that it was completely pointless. I constantly feel like my life has no purpose. Which I know isn't true for the fact that I am a mother alone. So often my mom lectures me on how they need to be my only purpose in life. That they should be what gets me through the day... that I should not need to accomplish anything else other then being a mother to my girls. I agree. They are what gets me through the day. But almost every day I feel... I desire... to do so much more then I am. I long to feel full and like I am doing something for God, for His glory. I feel so often like I am letting Him down. Like I am not doing enough for Him. I have always felt that way though. Even when I was in youth group and was involved in just about every church ministry there was and every single missions trip. You know, I have come to realize that I have never been truly happy or content in my life. That is sad, pathetic, and a failure on my part. God has blessed me far more then I have ever deserved. Once again, I constantly feel like I am beating my head against the wall. Never knowing where in the world I fit in. What in the world am I suppose to be doing? Even as I am typing this I feel nothing. No sadness, no anger, no worry... nothing. I just feel empty... alone... and exhausted.