There have been many times that I have just sat and thought about what kind of story I will leave behind when I die. Will it be one worth telling over and over again, or one that just fades away? I know that I often think, "Why would anyone be interested in my story? It is just so... ordinary." That really bothers me. I DO NOT like being ordinary. I want to be extraordinary. But I also do not want it to be a story just about me. I want it to include my family, but more importantly, my faith. I want people to listen to my story and think, "I can do anything with God by my side!" I want people to see that no matter how low you get, no matter how much you may doubt or become angry with God, He will always help you get to the other side.
Lately I have been very... distant from God. I have been numb. I haven't known how to respond to Him... or even what to think of Him. I have sat in church and felt... nothing. I get nothing from the message and I get nothing from worship time. I feel like every day is like that. Just getting through it. But I know deep down that it needs to not be this way. Deep down I know I have an awesome God who cares for me and only wants to help me grow. When I think about that... I get frustrated with myself. Mentally hitting myself over the head asking me, "Why are you being this way? Can't you see how much God has blessed you and how much He cares!?" I do, I do see that. Then I realize why I am bearing everything. Because I don't want to feel the desires and anguish I get when I think about all that. I don't want to feel the ache to go over seas as a missionary. I don't want to feel the deep desire to do missions work in the states. Because then I realize, that everything I so desire to do... are not possible. Then I become angry and depressed all over again. Opportunities to serve will come up in my church... I will feel my heart race and the excitement well up in me... then I remember that I have no partner to help me accomplish it... help me care for our children while we do the missions... help me in any way. I realize that I am alone... and always will be.
People are always telling me that it doesn't matter that I am a single mother. That I can still accomplish whatever dream I want. But they are always people who have not been in this situation so... well... they really don't know what they are talking about. My dream would be to either move out west and reach out to Native Americans through horses by running a riding stable near a reservation, or go over seas to China as a missionary. THOSE are my dreams and desires. You may look at those and think, "Well, why can't you do those?" Because I have to think of what is best for my daughters. Being near family so they have good father figures in their lives and me having a job that will give us security is my responsibility now. Also the whole fact that I am not allowed legally to move out of state and missions places will not allow a single mother to be stationed over seas. It is frustrating needless to say. I am not satisfied to just sit back and work as a nurse in my home town. I want to be extraordinary. I want to have an impact on this world that will last a life time. Maybe that is where I am wrong. Maybe I am not suppose to want to. Maybe I am just suppose to be humble and content enough to let the Lord use me wherever I am. I guess I have just never been very good at sitting still.
So my question to myself has been,"What will your story leave behind?" Am I going to be remembered as the woman who lost everything so then she lost herself and her faith. Or am I going to be the woman who lost everything, but kept ahold of herself and her faith and then went on to acconplish amazing things. I hope I can be the later. 'Cause like I said, I don't just want to be ordinary.
Lately I have been very... distant from God. I have been numb. I haven't known how to respond to Him... or even what to think of Him. I have sat in church and felt... nothing. I get nothing from the message and I get nothing from worship time. I feel like every day is like that. Just getting through it. But I know deep down that it needs to not be this way. Deep down I know I have an awesome God who cares for me and only wants to help me grow. When I think about that... I get frustrated with myself. Mentally hitting myself over the head asking me, "Why are you being this way? Can't you see how much God has blessed you and how much He cares!?" I do, I do see that. Then I realize why I am bearing everything. Because I don't want to feel the desires and anguish I get when I think about all that. I don't want to feel the ache to go over seas as a missionary. I don't want to feel the deep desire to do missions work in the states. Because then I realize, that everything I so desire to do... are not possible. Then I become angry and depressed all over again. Opportunities to serve will come up in my church... I will feel my heart race and the excitement well up in me... then I remember that I have no partner to help me accomplish it... help me care for our children while we do the missions... help me in any way. I realize that I am alone... and always will be.
People are always telling me that it doesn't matter that I am a single mother. That I can still accomplish whatever dream I want. But they are always people who have not been in this situation so... well... they really don't know what they are talking about. My dream would be to either move out west and reach out to Native Americans through horses by running a riding stable near a reservation, or go over seas to China as a missionary. THOSE are my dreams and desires. You may look at those and think, "Well, why can't you do those?" Because I have to think of what is best for my daughters. Being near family so they have good father figures in their lives and me having a job that will give us security is my responsibility now. Also the whole fact that I am not allowed legally to move out of state and missions places will not allow a single mother to be stationed over seas. It is frustrating needless to say. I am not satisfied to just sit back and work as a nurse in my home town. I want to be extraordinary. I want to have an impact on this world that will last a life time. Maybe that is where I am wrong. Maybe I am not suppose to want to. Maybe I am just suppose to be humble and content enough to let the Lord use me wherever I am. I guess I have just never been very good at sitting still.
So my question to myself has been,"What will your story leave behind?" Am I going to be remembered as the woman who lost everything so then she lost herself and her faith. Or am I going to be the woman who lost everything, but kept ahold of herself and her faith and then went on to acconplish amazing things. I hope I can be the later. 'Cause like I said, I don't just want to be ordinary.
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