This week I have been feeling very lonely. Just wanting that human touch that only a woman can receive from her husband. It has made me realize even more how difficult this road I have chosen is going to be. Even though, according to God's word, I am allowed to remarry since there was sexual sin on my husbands part, I have chosen not to ever remarry. Some of you may think that is a bit rash, but it goes far deeper then me just thinking I could never love anyone other then my husband. Not only do I think that divorce is wrong under any circumstance, but I believe it is wrong to remarry no matter the circumstance. Sorry if that steps on some people's toes, but those are my own personal convictions. And so people don't flood my site with anger, telling me that I have no place to talk because I "haven't experienced what they have." Let me just tell you that I have gone through physical, emotional, and verbal abuse; I have also experienced emotional and physical betrayal (affairs). If I could, I would keep the divorce from happening, but the legal system doesn't really work for someone who is actually trying to stick to their vows. It actually sways more to the side of the person wanting the divorce... no matter why they are wanting it. Anyway, back to the subject that I really wanted to talk about.
Feeling (being) lonely is one of the hardest things to go through, I think, especially as a Christian. We are often told that we shouldn't feel alone because, well, we are not. So then we feel guilty thinking that we're not on the level we need to be with Lord. I know I use to think that way. I would feel guilty for missing my husband. Thinking that I needed to just be content where God has me, and happy with having the Lord as "my man" now. Now, I do think that we need to be content in any situation... and God should always be our number one "man". But God created those feelings in us, that longing for the "better" half of us. I don't think God gets angry with us when we long for that human contact. I think He understands. But I am beginning to think that God has allowed this to happen in my life for the soul purpose of me learning how to really depend on Him and lean on Him. To learn how to have Him as my number one "man". God has always been important to me, but my husband and children were (are) the center of my life. Everything revolved around them. Every decision I made was always with them in mind and what would make them happy. I was completely devoted to them. Which I think is a good thing... as long as it is well balanced. Mine wasn't... he was my world, along with our children. I lived and breathed his happiness and approval. Not healthy. It caused me to be blind to many things and to make poor choices where my marriage was concerned.
The concept that I am not alone is very hard for me to grasp. There is a difference between "knowing" that someone is there for you and being able to experience that touch and "feeling" the presence of that person. I have felt God's peace at times, but I guess for me... there is a difference. So, I am now trying to learn how to be content with that. Being content with the knowledge that God is always there. That I am NEVER alone... not really.
Feeling (being) lonely is one of the hardest things to go through, I think, especially as a Christian. We are often told that we shouldn't feel alone because, well, we are not. So then we feel guilty thinking that we're not on the level we need to be with Lord. I know I use to think that way. I would feel guilty for missing my husband. Thinking that I needed to just be content where God has me, and happy with having the Lord as "my man" now. Now, I do think that we need to be content in any situation... and God should always be our number one "man". But God created those feelings in us, that longing for the "better" half of us. I don't think God gets angry with us when we long for that human contact. I think He understands. But I am beginning to think that God has allowed this to happen in my life for the soul purpose of me learning how to really depend on Him and lean on Him. To learn how to have Him as my number one "man". God has always been important to me, but my husband and children were (are) the center of my life. Everything revolved around them. Every decision I made was always with them in mind and what would make them happy. I was completely devoted to them. Which I think is a good thing... as long as it is well balanced. Mine wasn't... he was my world, along with our children. I lived and breathed his happiness and approval. Not healthy. It caused me to be blind to many things and to make poor choices where my marriage was concerned.
The concept that I am not alone is very hard for me to grasp. There is a difference between "knowing" that someone is there for you and being able to experience that touch and "feeling" the presence of that person. I have felt God's peace at times, but I guess for me... there is a difference. So, I am now trying to learn how to be content with that. Being content with the knowledge that God is always there. That I am NEVER alone... not really.
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